Popcorn Addict: 50 Shades Darker
9% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, ya’ll. 9%.
The Snap Dragon Pinot Noir I had during the movie was better than this film.
The Furious 8 trailer was more arousing than this film.
Why did we sacrifice 2 hours of our lives for this movie? We both drank during the movie and weren’t impressed. We can’t undo this. We only have ourselves to blame.
Chantee and I both saw the movie separately in our respective cities. We conducted a play-by-play of key scenes in the movie, so it does contain spoilers. You have been warned. We had to keep it humorous so we don’t cry.
- The plot: We both agree that the biggest problem with the 50 Shades movies is that they leave out key elements from the book that would make the movies interesting (and the book wasn’t that interesting to begin with). For example, this movie suffers from leaving out Jack’s storyline. In the film, his jealousy makes no sense! They could have added an extra 20 minutes to the film to lay the groundwork better.
- The actors: Unfortunately, the leads of Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) were poorly casted from the jump. I really hope this is not indicative of these two actors’ overall skills. If so…
- Child abuse as plot device: There have been several articles since the book and first movie were released that discuss the misinformation about the BDSM/kink community. One of these misconceptions is that individuals involved in BDSM have suffered from some type of abuse. Not true! It is unfortunate that the author chooses to go this route with Christian.
- We knew she keeping dem flowers: That trashcan wasn’t even big enough to fit that big as vase. Also, why is she always complaining about her place. That loft is fire.
- Remixing Coldplay sucks: Stop trying to do “trendy” covers. Stop.
- Black girl side eye for the win: She was not having Jack’s shenanigans with Ana. Why do the black people have to be the voice of reason? Could have avoided Jack fuckery Also, reeally Hannah and Ana? You couldn’t come up with a different name??
- I’m making my friends sign waivers to take my pics: She made it seem like she was completely unaware of Jose’s photos. Bitch, he’s a photographer! Every pose was not a candid—you were looking at the camera! Ugh!!
- If you like it, then you should’ve put a MacBook on it: Ana gets a MacBook. RIP Steve Jobs.
- Girl from The Ring appears: This bitch is scary. In the book, she didn’t come across as creepy. Possessive, but not creepy.
- If my man says he’s buying my job, I’m holding a meeting for a raise: If she doesn’t think Christian is going to curate the fuck out of her life, she’s stupid! If she was Alesha Steele, this would have been a whole new movie.
- Austen, Bronte, and “kinky fuckery”: Because I like to cover English literature in bed. Sex scenes: yawn. Better than the first movie but not by much. Figure out what you want.
- 24k Magic: There’s no way I’m shredding that check. Thank you, sir!
- Kim Basinger can still be a Dom in real life: Werk, girl. Even though they tried to make her look a mess, she was still gorgeous. Also, the part where Ana freaks out because she realizes Christian was talking to Elena was poorly acted beyond belief.
- How many files you got bro?: Why do you have paper files in 2017, sir?
- I could have done that wack bun by myself: Watch Youtube tutorials, Ana.
- Ben wa balls: No Ana. They don’t go there. This got the most giggles in my theater. Also, why did she need that fancy lingerie and ended up in a backless dress?!?! The continuity team was caught slipping.
- The ball, fake Michael Buble, and Becky with the Good Hair: Why do they keep trying to make Rita Ora happen as an actress? Stop it. Roc the Life was a good bop. Go back to singing. Also, Ana—that bid was wack. Keep the money, girl.
- Hey! Nick Jonas: That post-ball Nick Jonas song is a bop *Favorites on Tidal*
- If your bun stayed in place, ain’t doing it right: Nuf said.
- Ana cusses out Elena: Not a believable scene. At all.
- The Ring messed up Ana’s car: What type of Grade D security do you have billionaire Christian?
- Ya’ll ain't shower???: Lipstick still on his chest. Gross. Also, what’s the water pressure like on the boat?
- Taylor Swift got the most basic scene in the film—fitting
- The Red Room scene #1: Cheesy, pointless, unrealistic
- Creepy Jack gets fired: Good. At least the assault was taken seriously.
- The Ring and a gun: Ya’ll ain’t go in there first to scope it out?? Really?? This security team… However, we did note that this was the best directed scene in the movie. It was the scene that was most similar to how it was portrayed in the book.
- Heeey, Taylor the bodyguard: Noticed Taylor is fine. That is all.
- “Where the fuck have you been?”: Who you talking to Christian?? Who you fittin’ to try??? The scene where Christian tries to be submissive was nowhere near as intense as the book.
- Marriage???: Ana was like nah. Best decision of the movie.
- Becky with the Good Tie: Stop talking, Rita. The only purpose this short scene served was to find out about Christian’s birthday.
- Helicopter down: Don’t let one of the few black women die!! Please!!
- Hating ass Jose: Jose found out Ana and Christian moved in together. He’s pissed. His stank face was on 100.
- Fake ass tears: Worst Ana acting of the film. She couldn’t pretend to be affected.
- Wack key chain proposal: This didn’t follow the book at all. The book proposal was more meaningful in that it had a helicopter key chain. Craft services could have easily made this.
- Red Room scene #2: Yawn! I’m almost out of my Pinot Noir…How much time do we have left in this film?
- Gym: Unnecessary scene, aside from showing Christian’s body.
- Ladies, gentlemen, and Becky Birthday: Hating ass Jose and Elena combine forces when they find out Christian and Ana are engaged. Jose took his ball and went home.
- Confrontation w/ Elena: Drink in Elena’s face!! Ahh, snap! Mama slaps Elena in the face!! Okay, a little excitement in the last 20 minutes!
- Jack in the bushes: Creeper. See you in Part 3!
- Post-credits preview: I (AA) didn’t know there was a post-credit scene, but Chantee did. Why??? You’re not Marvel. We knew the last movie would be coming soon. We don’t need your reminder of the suffering to come.
In sum, you don’t need to see this movie. This movie was God awful. We have no one to blame but ourselves. Maybe we’re the masochists. You can pass on this film. We are saving your life. We are doing you a favor.